Tomorrow Will Be Better
Where do I start? I guess the first thing I can remember is having dreams has 8 to 9 year old of dying wanting to die. Those dreams turning to wishes and wanting to die or killing myself. When I was 9 I got a knife from the kitchen and I held it to my chest right above my heart trying to push it in, crying at the same time. Not sure why I wanted to die at that time. I came from a good family a loving family. These thoughts and dream continued through out my childhood never saying anything to my mother or other family members.
Into my teenage years sitting in the darkness of my room listening to music. Feeling hopeless and a failure still wishing I was dead. Then the manic feelings started. I was never hyper or did risky things. But my brain would stop racing doing these times. Felt like I was on cloud nine life is wonderful nothing can happen to me. Then right back to the depression.
My early twenties came I thought it went away. No reason to tell anyone. I knew I had ADHD but never thought I had mental health problems. I became a nurse a psy nurse at that. I thought I could not be “like them”. However I’m married now have two kids a boy and a baby girl. My wife knew something was wrong but I felt I couldn’t and shouldn’t say anything. That lasted for years. Now I’m 34, my daughter having her own issues she starts seeing a therapist and she loves it. I start thinking about talking to someone. I thought I need to speak up I’m going to kill myself. I have a long talk with my wife we both cry but I felt better. I started to see a therapist the best decision I made. Now I’m on medications, still working through those, my family a huge help along with my psychiatrist and therapist.
Has a husband, father and a guy it’s hard for us to talk about these things. But when I didn’t I hated life. The up and downs with the mood swings. Being diagnosed bipolar type 2 was life saving it finally gave me some answers to why I thought the way I did. The fear of people giving the puppy dog looks or my family leaving me was all in my head. I found out my wife and family love me. That I have some great friends around me and that there is others like me. The hope that I want to give others is we will still have days that are bad, but remember tomorrow will be better, there is others that will help you. Foundations like this giving all of us a voice and hope. Keep fighting for your self, your family, for all of us that share this disorder. There might be sadness with it but there is beauty too.
— Michael Gonzalez